Published on: 24 Nov 21:17

Jemma asks

I'm in hospital, my room is private but I share a bathroom with the room next door and there's no locks. What should I do if the other patient enters the bathroom while I'm taking a shit?

My answer

The other day I was listening to a podcast interview of a bloke who used to be a US Navy SEAL back in the Vietnam War. He and his buddies were on a mission where they had to hike through about a hundred miles of jungle to perform a stealth attack on an unsuspecting factory or something, way behind enemy lines. If your team is marching through trackless jungle for days, they'll naturally poo daily. The Viet Cong, however, regularly used tracker dogs, who can latch on to the smell of human poo like barnacles on $CURRENT_POLITICIAN's ass. The SEALs therefore used all kinds of scent-suppressants, including but not limited to anti-laxatives. So many anti-laxatives. They genuinely didn’t poo for the entire week-long mission.

There's your winning formula. Convince your excremental colleague that he and/or she is an elite secret crack super-SEAL, on the prowl for colossal and juicy Cong-esque military targets a week's march away. You may think this may not be easy, but ever been through a major hospital operation yourself? The surgeons need your innards squeaky-clean to avoid Complications, which in practice means abstinence from water. Any water. Sometimes for days. Your neighbour will be parched. Give 'em a luvverly swig of really-not-really medicinal gin, or perhaps a wee dram o' Toilet Duck, and they'll be hammered and pliant in moments.

Then start making Tarzan noises, or whatever the hell sounds Viet Cong fellas produce, shove an M16 in their fists and a metric fuckton of chia seeds up their ass (for bonus points, tell 'em chia enemas are the latest shit-hot fad from Latvia or wherever) (and seriously, I once swallowed a shot glass of chia seeds with juuust enough water to wash them down and no more, and I had poo like concrete for the next two days. Those fuckers absorb ten times their weight in water.)

A solid hit of Toilet Duck; an M16; and a chia enema. You'll now have your shared bathroom to yourself for the next week. Just don't scream through the keyhole that you think Ho Chi Minh is the dreamiest darling evah, or you might find Agent Orange squirted in vast quantities back through it.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...