Published on: 18 Nov 03:30
Smith asks
My sister's boyfriend's wife's husband has a secret Grindr account. How should I congratulate him?
My answer
If you've got a family tree that twisted and gnarled then they're probably dicks. Here's what you do. Invite every single one of these relatives, and him, to a family dinner. Create fake Grindr accounts for every other person present except him. Have him match with every single one of them, all at once, ten seconds into the meal. Bombard him with a stream of fake messages, all apparently crowing and praising his immensity and his girth and his humptacular eligibility. Pair them with marriage proposals. So many marriage proposals. Make his phone damn near explode with the blizzard of incoming notifications. Plead with him that he should totally spurn the other, lesser, straight, mainstream family members, and he should hitch up with them instead. Holy matrimony pollutes the dinner's air.
Wait until he stares at his phone and his eyes bug out of his head. Hit him with a second wave. Scorn him. Have your faux-Grindr minions separately/together excoriate him for his silence. How dare he shun them. How dare he not make their dreams come true. Persist in persuading him that every single person around the entire table (except you) is silently and solely demanding his hunky hand in marriage. Convince him that each faux-Grindr-relative thinks they're his lone resplendent suitor among this sea of domestic friggin' normies.
Keep up this nonsense until he cracks. He'll probably scream something like "NONE OF YOU IS THIS DINNER'S SOLE PERSECUTED POOF! SHOVE YOUR MARTYR COMPLEXES UP YOUR ASSES! I WANT A REAL MAN!"
Naturally none present will know what the hell he's talking about. Now's your time to shine! Leap from your seat. I can't be bothered looking at your profile pic, so I'll assume that for the purposes of this answer, you're male. And gay. "Snookums!" you cry out. "I'm Spartacus! I alone remained respectful and chivalrous! These chumps remain clueless about their woe-is-moi victim auras! I too tire of their astounding bullshit! Let's run away to Fawlty Towers or somewhere!"
Your remaining family will remain forever bamboozled and you'll both luxuriate at Britain's most soothing hotel. Problem solved.
Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...
