Published on: 24 Nov 08:11

Taylor asks

My daughter is 2.5 and I could not possibly be more done with breastfeeding. How do I remove her from the tiddy?

ETA: I'm asking for bad advice, not bad judgment lmfaooo

My answer

Wasn't there that urban legend of a dude who adored carrots, and ate so many he literally turned orange? Do the same with, say, bleach, and you'll find your daughter's breast milk preferences change bloody fast. Or use whiskey. Might be more fun for you. Isn't there another urban legend that toddlers are called toddlers because back in medieval times, frazzled parents gave their infants booze just to calm them down and let the family get some sleep? Maybe you could arrange one breast to lactate bleach, and the other whiskey. Or half-and-half from each nipple, like snazzy toothpaste.

I realise that drinking enough of either to then lactate them would probably kill you, but what a way to go, eh? Besides, I'm getting the impression that thanks to your daughter, death would be a sweet release. Enjoy your bleached whiskey!

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