Published on: 24 Nov 03:48

Tyler asks

Why didn't Sam ask Rosie for a dance? Funny answers only!

My answer

It's obvious, isn't it? Sam and Rosie had already got together, married and divorced. Six times in a row.

Rosie's most recent reason for breaking up with Sam was, she'd dated vastly too many knucklehead dragon-slayer brainless douchebags to find the archetype remotely appealing any more. Sam was only giving this whole Gardening lark a go because Middle-Earth had run out of dragons for him to throat-slit. Turns out gardening mellowed him. Sam's most recent reason for breaking up with Rosie was, oh sure, her barmaid cocktail mixing was orgasmic, her home cooking was orgasmic, her performance in the sack was orgasmic, but her dancing was apocalyptic.

If she ever tried to twirl she'd fling cutlery into peoples' eye sockets. Her can-can-ning once caused a host of Noldor Elves to go into cerebral haemorrhaging and bleed from the nostrils and anus. Her body-popping invariably gave Eru Ilúvatar leprosy of the perineum. Sam had to flee for the hills if for no other reason than simple self-preservation.

The pair tied the knot a seventh time after Rosie realised Sam's new-found gardening obsessions, combined with his experiences lugging Frodo up Mt. Doom, had upgraded him into the first bloke she'd ever met who could finally combine ultra-macho Adventuring with refraining from being a bombastic one-dimensional asshole, and Sam figured that whenever a Hobbiton dance threatened to kick off, he could just chain Rosie to the pub's bar or something and lay and set multiple lines of bear traps between her and the dance floor and buy one of Saruman's old stab-proof vests and he might get away with only losing a limb or two.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2585843618101224/p...