Published on: 24 Nov 06:08

Natasha asks

Can't use hormonal birth control because of anti-epileptic medication. Can't get the copper IUD because allergy. Please advise best bad advice for alternate birth control methods.

Bonus points if theyre old wives tales your great grandmother with 18 unplanned children swore by.

My answer

Isn't it obvious?

I can't be bothered looking up your profile and inspecting your species, so I'll assume you're a nine-banded armadillo. The neat thing about nine-banded armadillos is that they always give birth to identical twins.

That's your trick right there. Scour the globe for a really handsome male nine-banded armadillo, get him to hump you all night long and thus preggers, then get a combined megaphone/tuba, or another brass instrument with a lot of 180-degree kinks into it, and begin blasting your baby bump with INSTRUCTIONS.

Instruct both foetuses on no uncertain terms that you respect only strength and vigour and the iron law of the jungle. They will therefore fight each other to the death. Shark foetuses do that, I read that somewhere. Why not armadillo foetuses too? You will allow the victor to leave your womb only when they've killed their sibling. What's the old saying, your house, your rules, right? Then find some way of throttling both of their umbilical cords like garden hoses to modify their food supplies and ensure that their strengths are exactly equal, and a foetal fight to the death will be a no-score draw. Problem solved.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...