Published on: 06 Dec 00:05

Amanda asks

I'm trapped, what do?

lykyk

My answer

Tell your human mattress that how dare she wear such comfy hoodies. I recall encountering a scientific study the other day which discovered that when dog-humans die, the dogs defend their master's and/or mistress's decomposing corpse for all eternity, but with cats, they'll kick off dining upon their client's torso the instant the human in question even looks a tad peaky. Happens to me all the time. I'll saunter past a beloved moggy on my morning jog, stroke it, it'll purr like an ecstatic foghorn ... then I might wheeze or cough or something and half a second later it's yummed a massive chunk from my legs.

Why not follow your feline colleagues' fine examples? Your human has been foolish enough to expose her face to you. If you strike now, I bet you could gouge her eyes out. Excavate her skull, leave the brainstem, then you can pilot her around like a kind of fleshy mech as a warning to all humans who dare to wear provocatively comfy hoodies, and as an aspiration to all cats yearning to climb the property ladder a few rungs further.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...