Published on: 16 Dec 09:08

Mitchell asks

I don't last in bed. What do?

My answer

The thing about lasting X minutes is, the man is required to balance his arousal and erection hardness between finding his girl too hot and ejaculating too quickly and aargh it's all over, versus finding his girl not hot enough and losing his erection and he can't fuck and aargh it's all over. Difficult.

You could sidestep needing to stay hard at all, though: ever considered using a penis splint? Medics use planks and suchlike to set limbs in place while healsies commence: you could use a cock-sized length of rigid material to set your own flaccid penis in place whilst you fuck your beloved for >X minutes.

I get best results with the penises of other men. Loads of 'em. What you do is, embrace our culture's hilarious porno stereotypes by hiring a dozen-odd pool boys or male strippers, line them up in a row in whatever order you find most pleasing, ensure they're all erect, don't bother to get erect yourself, strap the base of Man #1's cock to the base of yours, use a winch or a crane or a pulley system or something to stretch yours to reach the head of his, strap both heads together, get humping with your beloved, then as Man #1 ejaculates, pull out, detach, start again with Man #2, and continue through your row of Men until you've decided your beloved is satisfied.

Might take a while! Also you might run out of Men. I find most of New Zealand's male stripper orgs won't return my calls any more. I turned up outside menofsteel.co.nz's offices, half the strippers there burst into tears, and the other half started hurling crucifixes at me and Islamic crescents and also what looked like hammer-and-sickle badges, and also screamed BEGONE VILE DEMON AND/OR BOURGEOIS SCUM.

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