Published on: 18 Dec 01:40

Avery asks

Grandparents are flying in for Christmas and I’m preparing myself for the inevitable questions about when I’m going to have babies. It’s touchy. Im 31, would like to have them one day, and am not even close currently. Plz help me let Nana down. What do??

My answer

OOC, aah, this seems like one of those situations where I'd happily take this piss and have a tremendous giggle, but the underlying problem is genuinely sombre and part of me doesn't want to come off as callous or disrespectful. But the whole point of this group is that if you didn't want the rest of us to take the piss and have a tremendous giggle, you never would have posted here in the first place, so it's all good.

Let's see then ... why not claim that you'd already had loads of kids? Like, proper serious armies of infant sprogs. In fact you'd squandered your entire 20s battling a crippling and frankly selfish addiction to pregnancies and gestations and the alleged miracle of childbirth. You've been in and out of the local hospital's maternity wing so often that they'd given your your own shelf in the staff-room fridge. You'd plunged the local midwife community into a vicious civil war: at your name, half their ranks shriek with panic and clutch desperately at their breasts and shout "no more, no more, Avery's infant hordes have taken all I can give, I'm only human, mercy, mercy!"; the other midwife half are global all-star imports from the highest-birthrate regions of the world, Mumbai, Nigeria etc. They possess sturdy professional boobs like taut Volkswagens, flush with milk outputs like Niagara, they'd heard tell of this exotic final-boss birthing addict, Avery, and wish to test their midwifey mettle in the toughest one-woman arena of them all. Planned Parenthood burn Avery effigies.

Why hadn't you informed your grandparents? Are they Catholic? I have no idea, why would I, you and I are complete strangers, but let's assume they are for the sake of this answer. Tell your grandparents that in the past, you'd already revealed your heinous childbirth addictions to certain individuals from the one demographic you'd think would greet another gazillion mouths to feed with joy and delight: the every-sperm-is-sacred crowd, the Roman Catholic Church. But you'd discovered the hard way that talk is cheap. Despite their alleged crowings of being fruitful and multiplying, you'd produced so many gazillions of offspring that even they recoil and say "Oh come on, you're just taking the piss." Numerous Opus Dei members have brandished wobbly crucifixes upon beholding the crowd-size of just your last years offspring, even after you'd got them to stop spinning their heads around like in The Exorcist. Even when you'd trained your 3-6yo cohort into forming the shape of Buddy Christ cunnilinguing the Pope and flown the Pope overhead in her personal jet to enjoy the views, she'd still refused to reconsider her original decision to declare that Tenth Crusade on your cervix.

You're just trying to spare your grandparents' feelings, is all.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...