Published on: 16 Dec 11:09

Lara asks

Okay, so there is a guy I’m into. We went from friends to kind of a FWB and we have phone seggs (had to censor lol) when we’re both in the mood. I have told him I’m into him and am hoping for something, he said that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone since his last one ended badly (and it did tbh, I was there). But I want him to want me. How can I win him over?

My answer

No doubt you're aware of the saying "don't stick your dick in crazy". This is for the most part true. But it's a cautionary tale. We men stick our dicks where our dicks have no business being because it makes us feel so alive! In the heat of the moment, that is. 18 years of child support payments then incentivise us to broadcast our follies to the next generation(s).

Okay, here's the plan. Whilst banging out this post's first draft I got a tad carried away; this may take a while. Strap in:

Your goal is to persuade him (or more to the point, his inner visceral subconscious) that being with you will be the most tremendous, heady, thrilling adventure of both your lives. Act the part. Next time he arrives at your place, see to it that your house is strewn with a vast slushy groaning carpet of hundreds and thousands of strong, butch men, ideally gents like http://50ftcl.it/whimsical, all naked and/or nude and in a state of ecstatic swoon with woozy smiles on their faces and with your name on their lips: he'll have to step over them to gain access to you. Do your homework thoroughly enough and pleasure them rigorously enough, and when he tells them he's there to see you, they may gasp and swoon anew and worship as their god and he'll marvel at your stamina and skill and daring.

Us blokes eat that shit up, you know. While your man is actually present at your place, have vampires by the hundred try to sneak in through the windows. Fight them off with a big fuck-off shotgun loaded with silver-coated garlic. Continue this until the heaps of undead corpses bury the strapping-men carpets in the garden. Your man will marvel and quaver at your terrifying combat prowess. A girl who fights as expertly as she fucks is self-evidently a keeper.

Thirdly and most grandly, set his obviously fucking inane relationship concerns completely at ease by officiating the most colossal wedding this side of the Himalayas. Take a leaf out of the 1850s Taiping Rebellion leader Hong Xiuquan's book (famous for baptising his millions of newly converted Chinese Christians with a firehose, https://www.catholicworldreport.com/.../on-the-trinity.../) by assassinating the Pope, rigging the next Papal elections, becoming Pope yourself, commandeering the Tokyo Fire Department (biggest in the world yo), yoinking their helicopter fleet, brandishing your Papal powers to bless their monsoon buckets and make their watery cargo holy, flying to Mecca, then drenching the regular annual 2.5 million-strong Hajj crowd with some nice wholesome Catholic holy watery marriage. Announce to the Muslimmy crowd from your airborne Tokyo steeds that all the men are now married to each other, and the women are all married to each other too. They shouldn't worry their pretty little heads about fripperies like Consent, either, you've just invoked Papal Infallibility and sorted that for them. There, done. You've together struck a wondrous blow for polyamory; given Tokyo's firefighters a good workout; made great strides for gay gay marriage equality; and made 2.5 million new Catholic converts. The conservative (ex!)-Muslim crowd will be ever so pleased.

But most importantly of all, you've at last convinced your beloved that no-one on Earth is more exquisitely expert at relationships and love and marriage than you. Propose. What fool wouldn't say yes? Now consummate your marriage right at the top of the pointy bit on Caligula's Obelisk in Vatican City. Play your cards right and you could topple the Obelisk onto the first waves of rampaging Muslim hordes just as you both orgasm.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...