Published on: 30 Oct 07:24

Maz asks

My D is really long and thick (No lie) no matter what I wear there's always an outline or a lump there. What should I do to save myself from embarrassment?

My answer

Simple. Make everyone else's Ds bigger and thicker and even more embarrassing so's you don't stand out.

Okay so here's how. This may take a bit. Get yourself a coffee.

So you'd be amazed how often in random conversations there arise gorilla penises. At least in convos I'm in. Can't imagine why. So silverback gorillas are huge and tough and powerful, right? So, people figure, their cocks must be equally mighty and majestic, right?

Turns out wrong! This idea that big penises are objectively and inherently masculine and powerful is far from universal. Nature's goal for anything penis-related, just like every other feature of every life-form, is just simply successful reproduction. Spreading your genes. Strong healthy offspring. YOUR offspring. And sure as hell not the offspring of that bastard in the next hut/warren/flock/whatever. Sometimes big cocks assist this. And sometimes they don't.

If you're male, your genes and instincts scream at you to both (1) impregnate as many females as you can, and (2) block as many rival males as you can from also impregnating them. Here's the low-down on male gorilla reproductive success (and female reproductive success is an entire parallel universe of fun and games, but that's a story for another day): male gorillas achieve reproductive success by being huge and strong and tough and physically overpowering their rivals. They're massive silverbacks. They don't need to have huge cocks. They've got teeny-weeny little lipstick-cocks. And that's all they need. Strong bodies are plenty sufficient.

At the opposite extreme is whales. Every whale-pod's male mates with its every female. Often and frequently. A male blue whale ejaculates twenty litres per orgasm from penises 2-3 metres long. Each female's innards then play hostess to an endless series of vicious cervical crusades, whereupon the males' rival armadas of trillions of squiggly sperms together forever wage unrelenting holey war for their hostess's eggy prizes. It's like Warhammer 40k but vagina-y. The males most able to spread their genes are the ones most able to produce the strongest, healthiest sperm in the vastest quantities.

Humans are somewhere in the middle. Human males can produce decent amounts of sperm, plus also physically dominate and drive off rival males from females. Bit of both. Turns out there's also quite a lot of evidence to show that the reason human penises have heads is to physically scoop out and remove the sperm of other males already present inside the female.

So there's your answer. Nuke Antarctica. And Greenland. Anywhere with shitloads of ice. Glass those fuckers down to bedrock and slag. This will melt their ice and raise global sea levels hundreds of metres, force humanity to become more aquatic, and then, like whales' mammalian and terrestrial ancestors, we may return to the seas, perhaps adopt more whale-like mating tactics, grow more colossal penises and more colossal cumshots, you'll no longer be alone in showing a massive bulge, and your embarrassment will become universal. Problem solved.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...