Published on: 18 Nov 22:32

Cal asks

I got summoned for jury duty, how do I get out of it?

My answer

Isn't it obvious?

Just arrange matters such that every single legal-personnel role in your upcoming trial will already be occupied by you and you alone. Judge, defence lawyer, prosecutor, stenographer, security guards, hell, even that bloke who bangs out those silly courtroom cartoons for the media. Commandeer the whole lot yourself. The few remaining personnel you'd not supplanted will therefore never dare demand you also fulfil your theoretically civic duty as juror.

How?

First up, let's acknowledge that it's a tad easier to lay first-dibs claims to every legal-bozo position simultaneously for a freshly announced trial, than it may be for a trial advanced enough that they're already seeking out jurors. So you'll need to step up your game. That said, the basics don’t change. Supply and demand. It’s always about supply and demand. Simply eliminate every single legal-person in your city. You don’t necessarily have to slit their throats yourself, although by all means break out the safety razors if your tastes run that way. The more genteel trial-obliterator, however, may prefer injecting Covid samples into every judge’s brekkie, or perhaps announce your triumphant return as Osama bin Laden, and that from now on your choice of hijacked-jumbo target will be every judge in the universe. So next time they go for a walk they’d better wear an incredibly heavy hat. Drop such hints darkly enough and you might get them to break their own necks, result!

Point is, you want any and every judge to lay low and clear your anti-jury path. Repeat likewise for defence lawyers and prosecution lawyers. Dust off your Unabomber act. Or Elvis. Shout from every rooftop that humanity’s inevitable return to Nature shall be satisfied only by persuading every barrister to retire to the Seychelles or similar. Perhaps also resurrect Epstein’s persona and create and broadcast a helpful PSA on informed consent. Whatever repels these pricks fastest.

Now that you’ve cleared the legalese decks and scraped every barrister from every courtroom in your nation like a preCambrian glacier atop a jellyfish, simply turn up at their front doors. Announce yourself as an itinerant courtroom judge, fresh from, oh I dunno, maybe you’d departed triumphant from the U.N.’s most recent hellish courtroom cases involving at last bringing Joe Biden to justice. Yeah. He knows what he’s done. Tell them that, but keep it vague. If you’ve really truly mastered your aforementioned bin Laden routine, they’ll never dare ask clarification.

Great, done. The staff now consider you some kind of horrible legal Übermensch. You’re now Judge. And Defendant. And Prosecution. And Cartoonist. And also, it seems, presiding over a hideous juror shortage. Go out of your way to rub this in the remaining mooks’ faces by actually publicly volunteering for the jury duty you’ve just spent so much effort dodging. If you’ve played your cards right, you’ll get a massive laugh from the entire courtroom and all present will deem you a loveable scamp. Mission accomplished.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...