Published on: 15 Dec 23:07

Cierra asks

Creative ways to hide your ankle monitor

My answer

Sheathe your ankle monitor inside a thicker, heavier one covered in glitter or rubies or something and with flashing neon letters saying something like FOR COOL CATS ONLY NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE YOU'LL GET THIS OVER MY DEAD BODY SUCKAHS.

Either that or take a leaf out of the book of the Kayan people in Myanmar, you know, the one where their female members stretch out their necks to absolutely absurd lengths over many years by wearing a gazillion metal neck rings. Some Kayan-ladies can headbutt the Moon. If you're keen on extra-stretchy ankles, then why not? Commit a million crimes across a million global jurisdictions and collect a million ankle bracelets and bask in your new fancy freaky extend-o-legs. Play your cards right and you could probably enter MMA matches and kapow one of your legs out directly behind you and circumnavigate it around the entire globe and back into the MMA's venue from the opposite direction and kick your opponent in the back of the head. Works a treat. I do it regularly.

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