Published on: 19 Mar 00:05

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Cory asks

So this is the second time now my kids’ bio-dad’s wife has come to pick my kids up for visitation weekend and has let herself in without even knocking. What should I do to ensure she respects personal boundaries next time?

My answer

Could you not give her a taste of her own medicine? Sneak into her own house without her knowledge. At 4am. Here's what I'd do: invite your kids' bio-dad out to what seems to be a regular ol' drinkies-catchup-evening-thing together, let the wine flow, tell him a particularly hilarious story, get him convulsed with laugher until he sweats, give him an apparently innocuous reassuring hug, whilst hugging, dab him with handkerchiefs and sponges and suchlike and really soak up his sweaty scent. Next, purchase an extra-realistic dildo with properly stretchy foreskin, rub his sweat all over it so that it smells just like like him, sneak into your kids' bio-dad's-and-wife's house's back at 4am with a fishing rod (for the purposes of this reply I'm assuming they're living tother and sleeping in the same bed, side-by-side), surreptitiously open their master-bedroom window, attach the dildo to the rod, lean into the room from outside, use the rod to bridge across the room and dangle the dildo over her snoozing mouth, search your years of memories of being in a relationship with him to mimic him attempting to persuade his current squeeze, her, to suck him off in her sleep as he squats over her, take a gazillion photos of her slowly emerging from slumber and discovering this delicious dream of going down on her beloved wasn't a dream at all. Keep in mind it's still 4am, the bedroom light is off, she can't see shit, and right this minute has zero idea your airborne dildo isn't the genuine article. Continue mining your crazy-ex memories to keep her fooled and mollified and literally pacified, then prop up the fishing rod against a chair or desk or something, angled to make it look like this was your kid's bio-dad's idea all along. Then close the window ever so gently, and vamoose.

Next time she's intruding into your place, ask her if it's okay if you open up to her a bit. Naturally she'll say yes. Tell her that the main reason you broke up with this bloke was his addiction to horrid horrid "pranks". Tell her of this whole fishing-rod-dildo scheme. He'd attempted this multiple times. He has zero intuition of standards and boundaries and good taste. It was awful. It made your skin crawl. You felt you could never really tell anyone about it for fear of mockery and humiliation, but your conscience troubles you, and insists you should do the decent thing and open up to her. She understands, right? Right? A Lady of cultivation and distinguished refinement like her wouldn't dream of putting up with such brutish, clumsy treatment, right? Right? Sophisticated, civilised women like you and her know better than to violate others' personal boundaries, right? Right? RIGHT?

Next week, do this all over again. Repeat until she gets the message.

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