Help! I'm starting therapy today for the first time today on my own terms (so not being forced) and I'm terrified. How do I make a good impression and make the most out of these very expensive sessions?
Please nothing sexual or to do with drugs/alcohol thanks
Ha. Therapists are all a bunch of overly cerebral and weak-willed numpties. If you show any vulnerability whatsoever they'll dissect you from the inside out, but should you fight psychological fire with goddamn fire, then they'll mewl and cheep like grateful little ducklings. I'll show you how:
Commence your first therapy session apparently quite placid and tranquil. But. As time passes. Slowly but surely, ramp up the impression for your therapist that you are in fact a stealthy therapist examiner.
For as far as they're concerned, the Department of Health (or whichever therapy governing body transfixes him and/or her the greatest dread) has chosen them by random-not-random chance for a THERAPY AUDIT.
I've honestly never bothered to find out what an actual Therapy Audit would ever involve. But if you pull off a diabolical aura of intimidation and terror, then it typically doesn't matter your exact pick of tactics. I've discovered constructing such an aura is actually relatively easy, as long as you apply psychological pressure relentlessly and consistently. And, most importantly, don't ever give your therapist more than a few seconds to mentally gather themselves and regroup.
Just pressure pressure pressure. Bring a pen and clipboard and stare ferociously into the therapist's eyes from two inches away and scribble nothings without breaking eye contact. Apply copious eye drops before your therapy session to allow you to refrain from blinking for hour after hour. Stare them down like you're a vampire bat and they're the JPMorgan of blood banks. Have friends ring your phone every 37 seconds. Arrange with them ahead of time to scream down their phone loudly enough so's your therapist can hear their garbled phone-voice on the other side of the room:
"PLEASE, Evie, I know us Pan-Eurasian Therapy Association members promised we'd surrender our ten thousand juiciest historical case study notes, if you single-handedly vanquished all nine thousand of us at that Ph.D thesis defence tournament! But we never thought you'd actually win! We underestimated you! Yours is the superior intellect! We're desperately sorry! I beg of you, don't unleash Jordan Peterson on us again! His morning-after breath is apocalyptic!"
Sustain an unrelenting barrage of similar phone calls for the entire session and there is no therapist in existence who won't wilt. Keep that fucker on the back foot for the duration. Play your therapeutic cards right and your therapist will end up paying you. Seriously. Take it from me, it's amazing. You can rake in serious dosh on the Therapist Pulverisation circuit. The biggest reason I've got the time to write all these bullshit Terrible Advice articles is that I'd made my fortune there and retired years ago.