Published on: 02 Mar 10:38

Evie asks

Help! I'm starting therapy today for the first time today on my own terms (so not being forced) and I'm terrified. How do I make a good impression and make the most out of these very expensive sessions?

Please nothing sexual or to do with drugs/alcohol thanks

My answer

Begin your first therapy session apparently quite placid and tranquil and mellow, but as time goes on, slowly but surely ramp up the impression for your therapist that you are in fact a stealthy therapist examiner, and the Department of Health (or whichever therapy governing body transfixes him and/or her the greatest dread) has chosen them by random-not-random chance for a THERAPY AUDIT.

I honestly have no idea what a Therapy Audit would ever involve, but if you pull off a diabolical aura of intimidation and terror (I've discovered this is actually relatively easy as long as you apply psychological pressure relentlessly and consistently and never give your client more than a few seconds to mentally gather themselves and regroup), then it probably doesn't matter your exact pick of tactics. Just pressure pressure pressure. Bring a pen and clipboard and stare ferociously into the therapist's eyes and scribble nothings without breaking eye contact. Apply copious eye drops before your therapy session to allow you to refrain from blinking for multiple hours. Have friends ring your phone every two minutes and arrange with them ahead of time to scream down their phone loudly enough so's your therapist can hear their garbled phone-voice, through your phone, on the other side of the room: "PLEASE, Evie, I know us Pan-Eurasian Therapy Association members promised we'd hand over our ten thousand juiciest historical case study notes if you'd managed to beat all nine thousand of us at that Ph.D thesis defence tournament, but we never thought you'd actually win! We underestimated you! Yours is the superior intellect! We're desperately sorry! I beg of you, don't unleash Jordan Peterson on us again! His morning-after breath is apocalyptic!"

Keep up a continued barrage of phone calls like this for the entire session and there is no therapist in existence who won't wilt eventually. Keep that fucker on the back foot for the duration and, who knows, your therapist may instead end up paying you.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...