Published on: 18 May 03:09
Ashley asks
The diet i gotta follow for a medical test tomorrow is pretty fn disgusting and I cant deal.
Only allowed plain white rice and ONE protein per meal (tofu/beef/chicken)
NO seasonings/salt of any kind, NO oil/butter/greasing agent of any kind on anything incld meat for breakfast/lunch dinner at wierd specific times
Only eggs allowed at breakfast (no salt, nothin)
Black coffee/tea w no sugar (i drink coffee black)
No juice/pop/anything w sugar.
So yeah its fn disgusting.
What dooooo?!?!?
My answer
Oh god. Just reading that diet list gives me the willies. Why don't you just cut out the middle man and slit my throat on the spot? But okay. You ignite Gondor's signal fires and broadcast the Bullshit Bat-Signal and we are oath-sworn to respond.
Let's see now. Loopholes, loopholes ... oh, man. Too easy! Simply:
- Force a bill through your local seat of government legally reclassifying you and your kin as geese (and "kin" is whichever demographic generates greatest publicity and most hilarious clickbait upon completion of the headline "CULINARY AVIATRICES ALSO SUBSUME $GROUP_X LIKE KATAMARI DAMACY OR THE ORB IN THAT FAB ASTARTES MOVIE [1]");
- Pick a fight, a vast screechy multi-generational grudge match, with your nearest savage pack of French chefs.
You'd best also wear a pantomime goose costume to allay any suspicion. They'll immediately abduct you into their factory-farm Foie Gras gantries, shove a tube down your throat, force-feed you all manner of hideous delicacies, and get you wonderfully fattened up for slaughter later in the season. Conceal an anti-tank rifle inside your goose costume so you can make a bid for freedom when the time is right.
Breaking your medical diet is hardly your fault if various dickheads are literally forcing you to break it, yeah? Bonus points if you can convince these rogue chefs via strategic goose-honking that geese who'd fattened on ... I dunno, chocolate cake (or whatever your favourite food is) is the latest new fad amongst ... I dunno, Instagram bubble-buttock construction crews, or TechnoTradFems, or whichever social group is currently most sloshed with undeserved dosh. These latest goons will apparently pay a pretty penny for chocolatey geese like you, yumyumyum, so get scoffing.
Best of all, if you get a chance to communicate your circumstances to the doctors originally prescribing this medical test, be sure to give them the impression you're violating their diet specifically to anger them. Then, when a second pack of furious doctors arrives on the chef-pack's doorstep to kick your ass, only then alert the doctors to the chefs. With any luck the two gangs will be evenly matched and kick the everloving shit out of each other to the last woman. Then loot their wallets and order a pizza. You've earned it, you lucky devil.
[1] Fab Astartes movie? No seriously it's amazing, do watch youtu.be/O7hgjuFfn3A
Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...
