Published on: 11 May 02:20

Image source: https://www.istockphoto.com/photo/dead-zombie-man-...

Hel asks

So my downstairs neighbour has a problem with my kids getting up in the morning and walking across the floor. The landlord has agreed to put some soundproofing down but it’s not happening fast enough for this ‘lady’ who comes screaming outside my door and banging her door.I’m done ignoring her now but there is not a dad in sight at her house - so what do now??

My answer

Every time she's about to storm up to your apartment to scream that your offspring need to stop holding Riverdance concerts on your floor, pre-empt her by half a minute and batter down her own apartment door screaming that her ancestors need to cut out their colossal ostentatious Indian dance routines on her ceiling. When she asks what the hell you're talking about, waggle a fake joke shop skeleton dressed up in a three-piece tux or whatever more convenient clothing you'd stolen from her wardrobe the night before. Screech at her that vast armies of her deceased ancestors are punching up through your apartment floor like a subterranean Thriller video, and How Dare She, and What The Hell Does She Think She's Playing At. Screech anew that, turns out, most of them are fleeing her apartment, as haunting a horrific bitch like her is worse than nosebleeds and bear traps and paper cuts and gonorrhoea and Gandhi. These skeletal legions of the damned now cower in your abode, desperate for sanctuary. Practice a bit of ventriloquism with your apparelled skelly chum: "Your own barren womb, Young Lady," your guest informs her, "is certainly no excuse to abuse your upstairs neighbour and her ability to pupate genuine humans! Woo-whooo-ghost-noises! Apologise to her at once, and I shall put in a good word for you with Great-Grand-Uncle Octavian Princeps, for I hear he may return your uterus. Then by all means exhibit a one-woman population bomb! Oyster, ma'am?"

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...