Published on: 02 Jul 00:23

Image source: https://www.bbc.com/news/av/stories-44330578

Angel asks

I just bought a home and for the week I’ve lived here I’ve had several DOZEN people ringing my doorbell nonstop trying to sell me crap. They know my name thanks to public records so I never know if it’s something important or not, plus I’ve been expecting several important packages. I’m pregnant and work graves and haven’t been able to sleep since Saturday night thanks to these assholes that come ringing from 8am to 8pm. I even put up a “DO NOT RING; Baby Sleeping” sign covering the doorbell and people STILL ring. It’s driving me insane the constantly ringing and being so sleep deprived. What do I do!!?!!?

My answer

Why not fight fire with fire? The instant anyone so much as burps on your front door, immediately wrench it open from within and kick off a colossal spiel flogging your own Patent-Pending Door-To-Door SalesEntity Cold Call Mastery/Mistressy Seminar Series right back in their face, which obviously this friggin' chump desperately needs. The trick, you scream, is to COMMAND the conversation; the other person's ATTENTION; be ASSERTIVE; SEIZE the INITIATIVE. Ask them if they'd consent to a lovely demo. Without waiting for their answer, immediately simultaneously taser them and go down on them. With any luck, their spasming will add to your technique and you'll get them off even faster. Whilst blinded by their personal Little Death, riffle through their wallet and yoink any cash or other valuables. Bustle them out your door while they're still submerged in rapturous leg-trembly afterglow, shove your Initiative-Seize-Taser into their fist, and whisper into their subconscious that unless they wish to remain their company's Sales Schmuck for yet another decade, they should totally seize their own initiative and inflict your electropelvic miracle on any other salesperson who dares to approach your door. Orgasmic vigil thereafter. Now leave them to it and enjoy that lovely snooze.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...