Published on: 25 Oct 05:59

Danielle asks

My bf is being a dingbat lately. Not answering my questions, not calling me after he says he will, taking hours to respond to texts. Obv there’s something going on. He lives 2.5 hours away from me so I’m planning to drive out to see him this weekend to have a face to face convo and shit’s probably gonna hit the fan. I’m looking for ideas of how to grace him with my presence unexpectedly.

My answer

Tell your bf you've got (1) kinda-bad-but-long-term-good news, and also (2,3) two bits of genuinely-amazing news.

First, announce that you're sick and bloody tired of your bf shirking his relationshippy responsibilities, and you can no longer bear the emotional desolation of him pissing off to the pub every nine minutes, so it's high friggin' time that you and he had a nice thorough heart-to-heart. Literally. You'd been a bioengineer the entire time, which he'd know already if he ever looked up from his Trump/Winne-the-Pooh slash addiction, and your biotech team has mastered the art of extracting a person's heart from their chest and stretching their aorta out to some quite astounding distance. Time for him to make history.

But! (2)! You've also finally stumbled on a way of curing his debilitating uncoolness, which he'd never actually mentioned, but he'd surely appreciate you reading between the lines, yeah? Yeah. Obviously. Aren't you generous. So. All the cool kids love piercings, yeah? The more unorthodox the piercing location, the better. Ultra-cool giga-hipsters pierce their brainstems. Rad. But you've figured a way of out-cooling the lot. You're going to pierce his aorta. He'll make hipster-y history.

And, (3), you plan to pierce your aorta. Link both aortas with a romantic golden chain. You'll be together forever. Isn't that romantic? And he won't ever be able to escape you benevolent gaze and resume dingbat-hood ever again. Though if he's a very good boy indeed, you might consider replacing the aorta-chain with a bungy cord. Maybe.

Original: https://www.facebook.com/groups/545286786317245/po...