Published on: 14 Nov 07:05

Anastasia asks

How do I tell my apartment manager "stop fv¢×ing ignoring me, this is really important and I'm sick of practically pulling teeth just to get anything done around here" without getting myself evicted? She constantly ignores or procrastinates getting things fixed or resolved and I'm getting fed up with it, but rent is cheap so 🥲

My answer

I've been there, girl. The trick here, your path to domestic victory, is to stop confining yourself to regular ol' boring conventional apartment problems, and oh-so-innocently induce really spectacular and/or embarrassing problems. Go big or go home.

Here's a couple of ideas:

(1) Purchase five tons of really shit charcoal, in sacks. Spraypaint-stencil onto each sack the phrase GORGEOUS-QUALITY COCAINE, THE PROPER GOOD SHIT, IF NOT 192% SATISFIED CONTACT PABLO ESCOBAR ON [manager's phone here] AND TELL HIM HE'S A WASHED-UP HAS-BEEN. Distribute half these sacks throughout your apartment building, and scatter the other half outside your local police stations. And a few outside your nearest drug rehab centre, why not.

(2) Get a job on one of those Japanese fishing trawlers we're always reading about on TV, the ones that go into international waters and net-scrape abyssal ocean plains and yoink all manner of hideous mutants from the briny deeps. Smuggle home a giant squid under your coat and frolic with it in your bathroom like that sex scene in The Shape Of Water, or better still, five giant squids, and plant them like soggy heroin in your four nearest neighbours' bathrooms also. Then give your manager hell for allowing vermin. And orgies. Call the cops. Inform them your manager's illegally smuggled Javan Rhinos escaped yet again. Call the local media. As she's led away in handcuffs, taunt her for not knowing the difference between rhinos and sharks. Then arrange for a friend to publicly heckle you re sharks versus squids: take a leaf out of Donald Trump's book, and acknowledge that being publicly humiliated is very much the lesser of two evils compared to being ignored. All publicity is good publicity, yeah? Round things off by loudly accusing your four squiddy neighbours of being the aquatic equivalent of sheep-shaggers.

Original: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...