Published on: 12 Jul 05:16
Max asks
My doctor said I need more sodium. I already salt the fuck out of everything I eat. I also put electrolytes in my water and drink diet soda. How else to get more sodium?
My answer
Here's a way not only to encourage greater sodium consumption in yourself and your neighbours, but also stimulate demand for your friendly local nuclear engineering conglomerates. And slutty-doctor costumes. You can never have enough slutty doctors.
Here's what you do. Clad only in your most superb medical bikini, saunter into your city's baddest part of town, décolletage a-tremble; locate and enter the nastiest, grimiest pub you can find; tstride up to the meanest, gnarled-est, tattooed-est brawler present, and challenge him to a drinking contest.
But just any old shots with any old liquor, my goodness no. Alcohol? Ethanol? Pfft. Well sure, start off with that, but after both you and the local bruiser have downed a few, then loudly accuse the man of still being in high school. Surely he can be a teensy bit more hardcore, yeah? You're both doing sodium shots. Not dissolved sodium salt, you ain't doing margaritas. Nah. Molten sodium-chloride salt, with a melting point of 1474°F/801°C. Only the very gnarliest and raddest and most hardcore drinkers would ever dare downing actual molten sodium chloride. Wasn't that Ozzy Osbourne's favoured tipple? You'd heard that somewhere. Tell him that too.
You'll have already stolen several pints of the stuff from your nearest nuclear reactor, so well done you. They're all guarded by the real-life Homer Simpsons of the world, so it'll be but the work of the minute to brandish your tactical medical-breasts at him and distract from your thievery. Pour a shot for your drinking-contestant, who'll ideally be absolutely hammered and consider downing molten salts ever so hardcore.
It'll make his stomach physically explode from the inside out. Wear his corpse as a horrible poncho and claim your Finest Sodium Drinker title thereafter. Invite your doctor round to let him confirm your newfound status for himself and blow the shit out of his tum too.
Original: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...
