Published on: 08 Mar 22:04

Melanie asks

How do I decline a date without hurting his feelings? Help.

My answer

Tell him this:

"Oh for God's sake! Not again! You and I go through this every bloody Friday. We meet, we hit it off, we flirt, sparks fly, we mosey back to your place, we bang with such ferocity and fury and molten volcanic phwoar that you literally conk out for the next three days, then wake up in your wrecked apartment so dehydrated that your brain couldn't form memories. Zero recollection of us meeting. I'm loads stronger and healthier than a spindly little gnome like you so *I* can handle it just fine, ha. You recover a bit, you wander to your local pub for a cheeky pint, you bump into me again 'cause it's my local too, your subconscious recognises me and goes *mental*, you stagger over to me for renewed flirts, introduce yourself, I think 'okay this bloke's oral skills are seriously sublime and spectacular, oh what the hell, one more time', we do it all again, and you pulverise yourself a second time. And a third. A fourth. Our weekly trysts are annihilating you! Haven't you looked in a mirror recently? You give our humpfests your absolute all and that's genuinely amazing, but you're deflating by the month! This time last year you were six-foot-ten, now you're four-seven. You've gone from Jabba the Hutt to Gollum! One more fling and it's Dobby territory! I can't! No more! My conscience won't allow it! I insist you regenerate and re-nourish yourself. Go on. Go down on every bloke in this pub. If you pleasure them as sublimely as you've pleasured me, they'd probably queue around the block for it. You're that good. If you like I can provide them references. Get cracking, sugar-lips."

Original: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...