Husband’s porn addiction is so bad he can barely function. What do?
Make me laugh because this is the one addiction I can’t live with. Porn was allowed in our relationship. There was no reason for him to lie to me or be insecure about himself. Now I’m trapped in a sexless marriage and he can’t function as a human anymore.
Simply gather and accumulate all the porn in the entire history of the goddamn universe, then ladle it into his face in the span of five seconds like a super-concentrated Clockwork Orange. No porn he’ll subsequently experience will ever again spark that vital thrill of novelty. He's seen it all, man. It’ll crumble in his mouth like bitter friggin’ ashes. He’ll go right off it. With any luck, from then on, even the teensiest flash of wholesome sideboob will make him spasm and recoil like one of those hilarious videos where people scootch massive cucumbers on the floor behind and towards their cats, and the cats detect the rear cucumber ambush and leap airborne:
Do that. Go on. It’ll be brilliant. On second thoughts, you should totally do that anyway, hubby porn addiction or no. Hell, if my own sideboob possessed the Airborne Husband superpower, don’t you think I’d be kapowing distinguished gents into the ionosphere 24/7? Why should only the ladies have all the fun?