Image source: holy crap the entire episode is on YouTube
I got summoned for jury duty, how do I get out of it?
Bro. Isn't it obvious?
Just arrange matters such that every single legal-personnel role in your upcoming trial will already be occupied by you and you alone. Judge, defence lawyer, prosecutor, stenographer, security guards, hell, even that bloke who bangs out those wacky courtroom cartoons for the media. Commandeer the whole lot yourself. Assert your obviously stupendous courtly splendour and majesty. Those few remaining personnel too scummy for you to bother with supplanting will therefore never dare demand you also fulfil your theoretically civic duty as juror.
How?
First up, let's acknowledge that it's a tad easier to lay first-dibs claims to every legal-bozo position simultaneously for a freshly announced trial, than it may be for a trial advanced enough that they're already seeking out jurors. The trial they're summoning you for is evidently already ripening fast. So you'll need to step up your game.
That said, the basics don’t change. Supply and demand. It’s always about supply and demand. Simply purge and liquidate every single legal-person in your city. You don’t necessarily have to manually slit their throats yourself, although by all means break out the safety razors if your perverse tastes run that way.
The more genteel trial-obliterator, however, may prefer injecting Covid samples into every judge’s brekkie. Or perhaps announce your triumphant return as Osama bin Laden. Announce that from now on, your next ten thousand choices of hijacked-megajumbo targets will be the nasal bridges of every single judge in the entire goddamn universe. So next time they go for a walk, they’d better wear an incredibly fortified and weighty hat. Drop such hints darkly enough and you might make their hat usage break their own necks. Result!
Point is, you want any and every judge to lay low and clear your anti-jury path. Repeat likewise for defence lawyers and prosecution lawyers. Dust off your classic high-school Unabomber routine. Or Elvis. Shout from every rooftop that humanity’s inevitable return to Nature shall be satisfied only by persuading every barrister to retire to the Seychelles or similar. Perhaps also resurrect Epstein’s persona, and create and broadcast a helpful PSA on happy healthy informed consent. Whatever repels these loathsome pricks fastest.
Now that you’ve cleared the legalese decks and scraped every barrister from every courtroom in your nation like a preCambrian glacier atop a wanky jellyfish? Great! Simply turn up at the courtroom front doors. Announce yourself as an itinerant courtroom judge. You're fresh from, oh I dunno, maybe you’d departed triumphant from the U.N.’s most recent hellish courtroom cases involving at last bringing Joe Biden to justice. Yeah. He knows what he’s done. Tell them that. But keep shit really vague. Biden is "naughty". He's "one bad cat". If you’ve really truly mastered your aforementioned bin Laden routine, they’ll never dare ask clarification.
Great, done. The staff now consider you some kind of horrible legal Übermensch. You’re now Judge. And Defendant. And Prosecution. And Cartoonist. And also, it seems, presiding over a hideous juror shortage. Go out of your way to rub this in the remaining mooks’ faces by actually publicly volunteering for the jury duty you’ve just spent so much effort dodging. If you’ve played your cards right, you’ll get a massive laugh from the entire courtroom and all present will deem you a loveable scamp. Mission accomplished, baby.