Published on: 18 May 10:25
Wren asks
i’m getting top surgery in a few months, what are some ‘bucket list’ items i can do with my breasts before they go? don’t be weird.
edit because some unfunny people have problems with ‘don’t be weird’: i just mean i don’t want strangers telling me to do porn or sex acts. it’s uncreative and gross. there are plenty of other funny suggestions that arent sexual harassment. take notes from them.
My answer
What are you replacing your boobs with? Ever considered a pair of mini drinks cabinets? I tested out a few of the more buxom, capacious models some years back, and great googly moogly are they comfy. You can purchase some quite astoundingly wholesome models these days. There was one that seriously tweaked my sense of suaveness and of fair play: once installed, you'd prod one of your new nipples with its unique combo-code. Its two half-breasts beneath would anti-clamshell apart like Darth Vader's meditation chamber in The Empire Strikes Back [1], with much pressure-chamber hissing and waterfall-cascades of dry ice and a tuxxed-up mouse quartet or something banging out the more ominous bits of the Imperial March. Inside is a selection of tastefully arranged shot glasses with exquisite mini cocktails ready to sip, each paired with an appropriate cigar and afternoon-after pill. Each breastly cabinet also comes complete with an assortment of responsible-booze-consumption devices: the left contains a breathalyser-gadget with SOBRIETY IS FOR WANKERS written along one side in graceful fluoro-neon calligraphy, and the right contains a combined microphone-fan for defeating various drivers'-seat breathalyser types clientele may find themselves legally blessed with. However, these drinks cabinets' designers have since announced that they'd felt terrible about these awesomesauce inventions of theirs nonetheless causing that colossal 40-mile T-72 traffic jam north of Kyiv a couple of months back, so they let their hearts and their consciences nudge and guide them forthwith, and have now added breastly drinks cabinets AI/firmware/machine-wisdoms Upgrades, whereby the gizmos therein simply refuse to operate unless the user first feeds into it a polaroid of their youngest fifteen under-4yo relatives all holding a massive sign saying YEAH YOUR ALCOHOLISM HASN'T KILLED US JUST YET, GRANDMA, BUT DRINK ANY MORE OF OUR POSTDOC SAVINGS AND WE'LL SELL YOU AT THE OTTOMAN SLAVE MARKET. That exact text. Provide such a photo? All shall remain rosy! Keep up Happy Hour. Cheers, baby.
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Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...
