Claire asks

i got my period and i don’t have pads. what do i use to avoid leaking?

My answer

Here's a few ideas:

• Why not turn that frown upside-down? Why not spend the entirety of Shark Week performing handstands and walking upside-down? You can't leak if you're vertical.
• Become one of those glamorous wine-connoisseur-mums we're always reading about on television, you know, the ladies who guzzle Baileys by the keg by the minute. If you get your blood-alcohol level higher than sampling a beaker of lab ethanol, you might just get your blood viscosity higher than molasses, and any that-time-of-the-month blood flow should slow to glacierlike velocities. You'll have days and days of warning before vast scarlet icebergs lurch from your twinkle-cave and crush unobservant supercarriers.
• Your that-time-of-the-month happens monthly, doesn't it? Why not stretch the duration of a month out to infinity? Simply crash a gazillion dino-killer asteroids against the rear of the Moon, and kick it into ever-speedier and more distant orbits from Earth. You'll have decades-long months before you know it.
• Failing that, why not move to a planet with no moons at all? Venus? No moons, no month, no Shark Week, no leaks.
• If those fail to achieve results and success, just revert to basics and become a Soviet Union Olympic gymnast.