I went swimming in the ocean, but keep finding Portuguese Man OβWar washed ashore β¦ What do?
Oh dear god. You again. We both know where you're going with this. You're "finding" them. Bullshit. You're not one of those insufferable wannabe-Influencers, are you? Bloodsucking fame-vampires to a woman! They mob us trillionaire boat-lovers like Alaskan mosquitoes on the prowl for Kardashian buttocks. You can't even schmooze at my local megayachting club house without colliding with at least twelve. They'll do anything to smear bling-veneers across their friggin' schnozzes if they think it'll get them clicks. Their bling-veneers include yours truly. These prissy fuckers spear-tackle you, get accomplices to video you both mid-collision, then pick the exact most convincing video-frame of body-squish to best portray themselves as the glamorous socialite and you as the floozy fangirl.
This shit happens hourly. And with a bewildering variety of maritime tactics. And most observers would be astounded at the range of street-smarts on display. Some Influencers wield genuine cunning, sure, but most are ditsy as friggin' shit. Aren't they.
My guess is that you figured you could totally surround yourself with a vast backdrop of naval vessels for maximum megayacht Instacred or whatever the hell it's called, googled "warships", bellyflopped the first name you spied, i.e. "Portuguese Man O'War", didn't realise that for the last three hundred years it means a jellyfish and not an actual warship, blindly obeyed the Google AI's map directions to the nearest Portuguese Man O'War, arrived, discovered your jellyfishy blunder, and now you're claiming you were just "going swimming". Ha ha ha. I'm typing this from the poop deck of one of my own Portuguese Man O'War boats, and let me tell you, they are glorious. I order them in packs of 12 from Brazil. I consume and discard four a day. If you're a very good boy indeed, maybe I'll let you have a few of my sloppy-seconds-s. Maybe.
Original: https://mikeyclarke.co.nz/blog/2026/3/why-every-po...