Image source: https://www.bbc.com/news/av/stories-44330578
I just bought a home and for the week I’ve lived here I’ve had several DOZEN people ringing my doorbell nonstop trying to sell me crap. They know my name thanks to public records so I never know if it’s something important or not, plus I’ve been expecting several important packages. I’m pregnant and work graves and haven’t been able to sleep since Saturday night thanks to these assholes that come ringing from 8am to 8pm. I even put up a “DO NOT RING; Baby Sleeping” sign covering the doorbell and people STILL ring. It’s driving me insane the constantly ringing and being so sleep deprived. What do I do!!?!!?
Huge salescretin queues amass at your doorstep? Why not fight fire with fire?
The instant any salescretin so much as burps on your front door, immediately wrench it open from within and explode forth like a banshee on helium. Kick off a colossal spiel right back in their face, flogging your own Patent-Pending Door-To-Door SalesEntity Cold Call Mastery/Mistressy Seminar Series, which obviously this friggin' chump desperately needs.
The trick, you scream into their wilting face, is to COMMAND the conversation, the other person's ATTENTION, be ASSERTIVE, SEIZE the INITIATIVE. Ask them if they'd grant Kind Permission for a lovely demo.
Without waiting for their answer, immediately simultaneously taser them and go down on them. With any luck, their spasming will add to your technique and you'll get them off even faster. Whilst blinded by their personal Little Death, riffle through their wallet and yoink any cash or other valuables. While they're still submerged in rapturous leg-trembly afterglow, shove into their fist your Initiative-Seize-Orgasmo-Taser, whisper into their subconscious that unless they wish to remain their company's Sales Schmuck for yet another decade, they should totally seize their own initiative and inflict your electropelvic miracle on any other salesperson who dares to approach your door, then finally, boot this Salescretin N from your door at heinous velocity and against the pelvis of the Salescretin N+1 no doubt attempting to swoop in close behind.
If you've played your psychosubliminal cards right, Salescretin N will perform this exact same genital ballad against Salescretin N+1 and both will immediately pelvicly terrorise N+2, then N+3, and so on. The Salescretin snowball avalanche will accrete and roll backwards forever, disappearing back over the horizon at around N+10,000, leaving you in blissful silence. Now enjoy that lovely snooze.