My boyfriend just left for work and wonβt be back for a few weeks. Iβm super sad about it. I donβt enjoy being all alone in the house. Advice on how to feel better? π
Why not do what I do? Hijack your nearest Viagra factory, commandeer its entire next year's output, then spike your beau's morning coffee with it. The whole lot. We're talking multiple cubic metres of ground-up Viagra, distilled into a single morning cuppa. Phwoar.
Package it within the correct type of slow-release capsule, and it should kick in when he's halfway to the next continent. With any luck he'll get an erection ten thousand miles long, piledriving through his jet cabin's ceiling, then soaring across the world like the St. Louis Gateway Arch but even more penisey, and knocking politely yet firmly at your boudoir window. Dude! Result! Now lie back with legs akimbo, and pleasure yourself to your heart's content.
A glance outside my own bedroom window reminds me that joyous penisey shenanigans of this sort are all too common: you may need a bit of trial and error before you can deduce which intercontinental schlong is his. When in doubt, bap the unfamiliar penises hovering outside with a rolled-up newspaper like they're great snuffly pooch-snoots.
Then twiddle your thumbs for a fortnight while the target dick's bioelectrical nerve impulses convey your newspaper-pooch-bap back along the shaft, up and up through the atmosphere, piercing clouds, besting the ozone layer, kissing low orbit at its zenith; then curving back down, down, through cumulonimbus grandeur, to your(?) beau's locale, his quarters, his crotch, and at last his brain.
Then give him a tinkle and ask if he'd felt anything. No? Whack anew. Repeat twice monthly. Works a treat, bae.