I'm trapped, what do?
lykyk
Tell your human mattress that how dare she wear such comfy hoodies.
I recall encountering a scientific study the other day which discovered that when dog-humans die, the dogs defend their master's and/or mistress's decomposing corpse for all eternity.
But with cats? Holy balls. Cats will kick off dining upon their client's torso the instant the human in question even looks a tad peaky. Happens to me all the time. I'll saunter past a beloved moggy on my morning jog, stroke it, it'll purr like an ecstatic foghorn ... then I might wheeze or cough or something and half a second later it's yummed a massive chunk from my legs.
So why not follow your feline colleagues' fine examples? Your human has been foolish enough to expose her face to you. And I see you're attempting some turn-the-other-cheek pinko-Jesus hippie bullshit. Geez, dude. Your ancestors must be despairing about now.
If you can just about find it within yourself to man-up, or at least male-cat-up, and strike immediately, I reckon you could gouge her eyes out. Go on. You know you want to. Excavate her skull, retain the brainstem to allow for basic motor functions, then you can pilot her around like a kind of fleshy mech as (1) a warning to all humans who dare to wear provocatively comfy hoodies, and as (2) an aspiration to all cats yearning to climb the Homo sapiens property ladder a few rungs further. Problem solved.