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My D is really long and thick (No lie) no matter what I wear there's always an outline or a lump there. What should I do to save myself from embarrassment?
Simple. Make everyone else's Ds longer and thicker and even more embarrassing, so's yours doesn't stand out.
Okay so here's how. This may take a bit. Get yourself a coffee and/or bovril, then waggle your bum into your favourite beanbag. If this takes you more than a few minutes, I could type slower while you catch up.
Ready? Rad. So. You'd be amazed how often in random conversations there arise gorilla penises. At least in convos I'm in. Can't imagine why.
Picture silverback gorillas. Picture their physiques. Huge and tough and powerful, right? So, humanit's more one-dimensional and direct personalities thusly reason, gorilla cocks must be equally mighty and majestic, right?
Turns out wrong! This human notion that big penises are objectively and inherently masculine and powerful? That's far from universal. Nature's goal for anything penis-related, just like every other property of every other life-form, is just simply successful reproduction. That's all. Spreading your genes. Strong healthy offspring. YOUR offspring. And sure as hell not the offspring of that bastard in the next hut/warren/flock/whatever.
Sometimes big cocks aid this. And sometimes they don't.
If you're a male of any animal species, your genes and instincts scream at you to both (1) impregnate as many females as you can, and (2) block as many rival males as you can from also impregnating them. The following is the low-down on male gorilla reproductive success (and incidentally, mistress-ing reproductive success whilst female is a whole 'nother parallel universe of morbid fun, and quite spectacularly worthy of your time and mine, but a story for another day):
A male gorilla achieves reproductive success by being huge and strong and tough. A gorilla's choice of rival-male-blocking-tactics re impregnating nearby cuties is by physically overpowering and repelling these rivals. They're massive silverbacks. They don't need huge cocks. They've got teeny-weeny lipstick-pricks. But that's all they need! Strong bodies are plenty sufficient for relatively few dominant males to stockpile and harem-ify local poontang. It's hugely hierarchical.
At the opposite extreme lurks whales. Every whale-pod's male mates with its every female. Often and frequently. A male blue whale ejaculates twenty litres per orgasm from penises 2-3 metres long. The sperm FIGHT. Each lady-whale's innards plays hostess to an endless series of vicious cervical crusades, whereupon the males' rival armadas of trillions of squiggly sperms together forever wage unrelenting holey war for their hostess's eggy prizes. It's like Warhammer 40k but, y'know, even more vagina-y. The whale-males most able to spread their genes are the ones most able to produce the strongest, healthiest, and most numerous sperm. A whale's choice of rival-male-blocking-tactics is to ballsly breed superior sperm armadas. Everyone humps everyone. It's the least hierarchical mating strategy around.
Us humans are somewhere in-between. Human males can produce decent amounts of sperm, plus also physically dominate and banish rival males. Bit of both. Turns out there's also quite a lot of evidence to show that the reason human penises have heads is to physically scoop out and remove the sperm of other males previously deposited and present within their current bae.
So there's your answer. Nuke Antarctica. And Greenland. Anyplace with shitloads of ice. Glass those fuckers down to bedrock and luminous slag.
This will melt their ice and raise global sea levels hundreds of metres. Humanity will be forced to become more aquatic and return to the seas. And then, like whales' mammalian and terrestrial ancestors, we may perhaps adopt more whale-like mating tactics, grow more colossal penises and more colossal cumshots, you'll no longer be alone in showing a massive bulge, and your hideous embarrassment will become universal. We'll be a species of bashful tripods in no time. Problem solved 😘