Tell me your terrible ways to solve constipation
Easy. Sign up to the United States Marine Corps.
Locate a savage pack of lovely dreamy drill-instructor-sergeant-poofs. You know the type. The ones who adore informing raw recruits that "if you don't do exactly as I say I'll kick your ass so hard you'll taste my boot leather". Yeah. Them. Inform each of them in graphic and scintillating detail about exactly how last night you'd made sweet sweet love to their husbands and/or fathers.
Now become nude, bend over, and let them do what they do best.