I'm in grad school creating a final presentation in power point. One of the slides needs to "provide ways to advocate for equity at the school, district, and community levels."
How the f*** should I know?
So, how should I advocate for equity
Brenda! You could make an absolute killing here! Riches and prestige and glory everlasting could totally be yours. Here's how:
Why not hilariously misunderstand your grad school's "equity" as "Equites"?
Equites? For those not in the know, "Equites" were the merchant-social-class of the Roman Republic. Not the Roman Empire! The Republic became the Empire after the civil war following Julius Caesar's assassination. I swear, everyone gets that wrong. Anyhoo. The Equites were one social class beneath the Republic's true aristocracy. Nouveau Riche, basically. Smarmy social climbers.
Actual real Equites were hilarious, at least with the distance of historical hindsight. They adored slavery. And tax farming. Basically, running various Roman provinces as sleazily and as corruptly as possible.
We shall use their greasy fiscal predilections to our advantage.
In the Roman Republic's wars, equites served in the Republic's armies as light cavalry. It's the origin of our English word "Equestrian". Aficionados of Rome: Total War (NOT an affiliate link, I just plain like it) will be incredibly aware and appreciative of its Equites unit. I sure was, back in the day. Wow d00d! Never, before or since, have I ever encountered horsey-boys flashing such supreme versatility. They boast the speed and the stamina of light cavalry, yet retain juuuust enough armour and charging power (in my opinion) to also operate as heavy cavalry. There ain't no battlefield they can't circumnavigate pronto; no gap in an adversary's tactical formations they can't nip through instantly. I cherish my oodles of sweet teen memories whereby the Greek Cities launch bloody and devastating invasions of mainland Italy, hurling mighty Armoured Hoplite armies Romeward. Impenetrable pike walls. Spears by the thousand.
Hah. I'd simply unleash my trusty ol' Equites. For no spear-based army can maintain porcupine-esque pike walls, in every direction, in perpetuity. Hoplites tire. Equites don't. Eventually you get gaps. Cavalry charge! Bam! Crash against their flanks or rear. Retreat pronto before that unit's survivors can swing ponderous pikes your way. Repeat and repeat and you've got yourself a Heroic Victory, baby. Brandishing my beloved Equites, I'd routinely rout armies twice or thrice stronger and scarier. I loved them, and I loved wielding them. I deemed them Rome's champions, far more so than boring ol' Legionaries. Equites-the-light-cavalry were amazing.
We shall use their zippy martial superbness to our advantage.
So here's the plan, Brenda. Here's your ticket to lucre and plunder. At your next grad school meeting, take a leaf out of Historic Antiquity. Learn from the Equites' fine examples as tax farmers. Enlist the help of several hundred hired tax-farmer goons (thugs not masturbators), and simply take over the entire operation. Easy peasy: grad-school faculties and alumni tend to be peopled by friggin' nerds.
Three nerdy truths prove paramount! One: nerds loathe athleticism and/or physical prowess, so they'll put up as much fight against you as a nappy in a smelter. Two: grad schools often champion Classical Studies, so most nerdy attendees will already be familiar with the Roman Republic, and with real-Equites, and with their lucrative tax-farming policies. Three: most nerds adore Rome: Total War and its fabulous game-Equites.
We shall use their tripartite nerdy-nerdy-nerd-ness to our advantage.
Therefore: simply declare your ambitions to lead your grad school and all within as a launching pad for rapacious conquest of your surrounding districts. All in the name of the Roman Republic. You'll enslave the locals, tax-farm their wealth like historical Equites, run speedy rings around any military reprisals like game-Equites, host infinity spectacular victory-orgies, and generally just rock out with one's cock out. It'll be friggin' amazing. Your grad school will love it. Play your cards right and you'll win over your entire grad-school meeting in seconds. Victory! Now get cracking, you crazy renegade. Make history proud.
Months later: now that you've amassed vast piles of snazzy suburban loot higher than your beloved Equestrian horse? Now that your Equestrian orgies have ascended to the stuff of legend? Then finally: accidentally-on-purpose, glance at a by-now rather grubby copy of the grad-school meeting's Powerpoint slides.
Exclaim to all: "Ohhhh...! This says Equity! Not Equites! Oops! Golly gosh! Is my face red or what? Oh. Well! Er. Ho hum, I suppose. Drizzle that ninth roast ox over my thighs, would you?"