My Nana passed away on Valentine's Day, my parents may be getting a divorce and my girlfriend is in a slump and I feel helpless because I can't make her feel better. I'm depressed AF but hiding it from everyone, what do?
Be creative I need to laugh so bad.
Also for the love of glob please no "I'm sorry for your loss" or "my condolences" I can't take any more.
Ohh, one of these situations, eh? I've got no idea which country you live in, but for the purposes of this Very Bad Advice, I've decided you live in Ireland. I'll get to why in a sec. I've also decided that, apart from their stance on divorce, your parents are incredibly Catholic.
Happens more often than you might think! So here's my standard divorce-trouncing advice:
Show your girlfriend a blindfold. Tell her you've got a "surprise" for her, waggle your eyebrows lasciviously, all that usual good stuff. Once blindfolded, lead her by the hand to a cramped interior space. Location One.
Next, invite your two divorcing parents to some kind of outdoorsy lookout place, top of a cliff, gorgeous view, blah de blah. Location Two. Tell them your conscience has been bleating at you 24/7 re their unconscionable and underhanded Divorce nonsense. Tell them you've thus prepared a special Treat for them, at exactly 2pm that afternoon.
Third, abduct your Nana's corpse and cram it into a colossal cannon, designed to kapow its occupant phenomenal distances. Before you squidge her cadaver into the gun's breach, though, tie a cape of incredible length around her ankles. It's got a massive motto written along it, I'll reveal its wording in due course. The idea is that when fired, the tumbling airborne corpse will trail the cape and its lettering behind, in a vast parabolic arc.
Fourth, return to your girlfriend in her cramped Location One. Placate her whingings of "I've been cooped up in here for hours you bastard" etc., with promises that her worries will be at an end in mere seconds. Tie a second ginormous cape around her ankles, with a second motto, then whip off her blindfold. Just as she realises you've imprisoned her in a second identical colossal cannon, slam the breach door shut.
Fifth: if you've timed things right, your parents' 2pm deadline will be upon you in seconds. Fire the cannons!
Their payloads soar skyward! If you'd aimed them correctly, your parents should be treated to a delightful vista of your Nana's incredibly deceased and putrefying corpse colliding in mid-air against your girlfriend's incredibly recently-alive and furious body with a sickening splunch, mere metres from your parents' astonished faces.
If you've aimed and timed both guns just right, they'll both be showered with gangrening body parts, accompanying their former relatives' twin capes and twin mottos now jerked to a near-stop, and flapping airborne before them.
The first reads: IRELAND'S FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT* REPEALED; IRISH DIVORCE ILLEGAL AGAIN HA HA HA
The second reads: MR/MRS BRITTANY'S PARENTS, BEHOLD THE CHURCH'S STANCE ON NASSSSTY DIVORCEES: WANT TO SHARE THEIR FATE?
Problems solved! Your Nana's body has been put to excellent use; your girlfriend perished doing what you love; and your parents have been informed on no uncertain terms that living in Ireland means nonconsensual domestic tranquility thereafter. Isn't life grand?
* For those who don't know, until 1995, Irish law actually considered divorce illegal: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifteenth_Amendment_...