Published on: 11 Jun 01:38

Christina asks

I need y’all’s best “worst” advice ever. Currently 8 months pregnant, about to hit that 9 month marker. I’m able to fall asleep with no problem, but staying asleep is a issue. I go to sleep, I hear something or something just wakes me up and I’m up for HOURS.

What should I do to stay asleep through the night.?

My answer

Is it your baby that’s kicking up these ruckuses and wrecking your sleep? Oh man. There are all kinds of solutions:

I personally find that the noises most likely to wake are intermittent things. Continuous white noise? No problem. After a minute or two it's unnoticeable. But clunky, jagged noises? Horrific pain in the ass. God, they're horrible. It's the same principle behind Chinese water torture.

Though is it your baby's kicking that’s waking you? Solving that is easy peasy Nihon-squeezy: you could persuade your baby to kick-kick-kick 24/7/365. Simply get a set of those electrostim abdominizer-ab-zappy getups favoured by wannabe powerlifters, one of these babies: youtu.be/0hwpDnA0_V8 Sneak its cables up your nonny and onto your protobeloved's legs and get that chirpy little fucker kick-kick-kicking whether it wants to or not. Vengeance is sweet.

Though subtler techniques abound. Aren’t there those self-declared “super-mums” insisting on playing Beethoven or something similarly pretentious into their wombs, the better to stimulate juvenile cerebral-thingies? Why not do the same with Jackie Chan movies? He’s made squillions. Blast the lot into your belly at maximum volume on a continuous loop for weeks and weeks. You’ll nod off in minutes.

If neither method works, can’t think why, then simply hire a huge herd of other pregnant ladies to press their tummies up against you like some kind of vast fleshy pulsating Katamari Damacy, then get them and their babies to tag-team-kick you forever. At least one sprog will always be boinking away at your forehead. After a while their rugby-scrumming shall surely blend together into a hellish apocalypse of juvenile dragon-kicks, and tranquility and snoozles shall at last return.

Failing that, you’ll need to physically distance your womb from the rest of you. Isn’t there that tribe whose members find really really long necks gorgeous? Get them to team up with whoever invented cock rings, and together they could invent some kind of ring/hoop system to tie around your belly’s perimeter, ever more tightly, and over a series of days and weeks, lengthen your tummy further and further from the rest of you. After a month or two your womb could become anything up to half a mile away. You’ve now happily ensconced your sprog in its own separate postcode, and you can finally snooze comfortably. Giving birth may take a while though.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...