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Noor asks

I live in a super religious country where the only way I can touch a woman is via arranged marriage.
What do...

My answer

Arranged marriage, you say? Could you not be some kind of Totally Radical Dude and invent an entirely new kind of marriage? Where stupendous amounts of physical touch (only with the happy consent of all involved, naturally) receives the local Clergy's blessing? Where only your hands get married, perhaps? The rest of you remains single?

And I don't mean your two hands tie the knot with each other. That would just be weird. What the hell bro. Though honestly? They can if they like. It's the 20th Century after all. If two different hands, who love each other very much, genuinely wish to tie the knot and get hitched, then who are we to tell them no? You sure as hell shouldn't. Just because you're their landlord, or their land-torso, or whatever the hell the Wokester term is these days for this handsy libertine bullshit. You butt out of their private beeswax. Not literally though! Leave your actual butt in solitude and tranquility and away from this soap opera scandal. I have it on good authority that your two butt-cheeks have just undergone a particularly nasty divorce, and spend their weekends fighting for custardy [sic] over their local isthmus anus. But eventually one of them will lose their horrific legal battle, and will have to keep it.

But anyhoo. Just keep your hands to yourself bro, so to speak, in letting your hands be their own individuals.

And if you're a very good boy indeed, and if you don't cause trouble at their wedding reception like a dingbat again (we're not having a repeat of your butt-cheeks' wedding reception, with you crooning Baby Got Back until your own perineum spear-tackled you away from the karaoke machine (and incidentally, watching someone get spear-tackled by their own perineum is quite possibly the funniest thing you'll see in your entire LIFE)) ... if you BEHAVE, then perhaps your lawfully-wedded-hands now might just be obliging in opening negotiations with certain neighbouring ladylike anatomical features.

And you might just get your wish.

Perhaps. Maybe. If the lady-features themselves also feel cool and keen. Oh yeah and the ladies themselves I suppose. Typical.