Published on: 25 Nov 05:14
Lei asks
My boyfriend has been acting weird lately and I feel like he doesnβt want to be around me anymore 
what do to keep him 
β please no OOC, Iβm having a really bad BPD (borderline) day and just want to laugh.
ETA β weβve been together 3 years and this change in behavior is pretty recent and Iβm just confused with everything so. Again. Make me laugh please
My answer
I know just the thing. I was reading https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/138811.Moscow_1812 recently, and holy crap it was grisly. For those not in the know, back in 1812, there was a French dude called Napoleon who invaded Russia to persuade Tsar Alexander to cease trading with France's enemy Britain and resume being an obedient little French ally. Things didn't go well. He'd mustered the biggest pan-European army ever formed, 600k troops from all over Europe, and most of them had zero Russian winter experience. On the march back from Moscow, they averaged ten thousand soldiers freezing to death every day. It was beyond apocalyptic. The army left a frozen shattered highway of frozen-solid men, horses and cannon behind it, for hundreds of miles. The temperatures averaged -30C. Few soldiers had any food left. Standard soldier-scavenger behaviour is to roast dead horses, but the -30C temperatures meant any horse that died immediately froze solid and you couldn't get any meat off, even if you had a diamond circular saw.
The only way to remove usable meat is to cut it off while the horse is still alive. But that's not quite as grisly as it sounds, because every living creature, man or horse, was so cold that the horses couldn't feel anything. There were hundreds of accounts of cavalry officers leading their horses by the reins, going through a denser-than-usual crowd of straggler soldiers on the verge of starving to death, emerging, and the horse had half a dozen steaks sliced off its rump. And it didn't even notice.
Anyway, what you do is, make your boyfriend invade Russia, get him to loot and burn Moscow, wait until winter is well and truly closing in before he makes his escape and march westward, by the time he's crossing Belarus the temperature will be -30C or lower, then flay his skin off without him noticing, all in one big piece like mandarin peel, wear it yourself like a three-piece birthday suit, then ... I dunno, I hadn't thought further than this. Make out with him or something. I'm getting a "narcissist" vibe from him, he'd probably be into that.
Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...
