Image source: https://www.instagram.com/p/DQkKC8fjFkW/ "Espresso-Rubbed Steak with Coffee Butter ☕🧈🔥", or so the page claims. Good lord. I'd had no idea espresso steak was ever a thing but of course it is.
I have a blood test in 2 hours and I can't eat or drink anything until then with more calories than black coffee. What should I have for breakfast?
Most doctors, in my experience, are morally bankrupt quacks. Or at least those few doctors who'd had the guts to stand their ground and debate yours truly like a Real Woman. So many doctors just don't have the spine or the gumption to face me down and withstand my rhetorical friggin' grandeur. They SHRIVEL. Oh sure, they kick up an unrelenting stink about me "demanding bulk discounts on vasectomies" and "hiding in their ceiling tiles" and "autopsying their schnauzers hourly" and "impersonating them at medical conferences on Medical Misconduct Greatest Hits", wah wah WAAAH, but I'm a goddamn maestro at reading between the lines, I am. People-skills galore. They're just too shy to flirt with me properly.
But anyhoo. Apologies for the tangent! I'll answer your question in a minute; this bullshit is just on my mind right now. Interpol are trying to arrest me again, right now, as I type this. I'm texting one-handed with my phone in my pocket in the back of their cop car. They don't suspect a thing, the suckers. I just tell them a baldy like me wishes to Run His Fingers Through His Hair via good ol' Pocket Snooker. Make 'em laugh and their suspicious vigilance shrivels. Result!
Anyhoo #2. Point IS, Those few doctors with the testicular fortitude to not immediately call in the Fuzz? They tend to be easily wowed by spectacular and snazzy shows of finding Doctor's Orders loopholes. Yours are easy-peasy-Nihon-squeezy. Coffee? Ha! Just grind three tons of coffee beans down to the consistency of talcum powder, add just enough water to form it into a dense slurry, add juuuuust enough beef seasoning to make its scent vaguely resemble that of a cow, slop the resulting gunk into a cow-shaped mould, roast it for 1h59m, then enjoy your delicious coffee-y beef-scented calorie-free feast. Your doctor will be ever so pleased. Problem solved.