Published on: 21 Feb 08:46
Brittany asks
My Nana passed away on Valentine's Day, my parents may be getting a divorce and my girlfriend is in a slump and I feel helpless because I can't make her feel better. I'm depressed AF but hiding it from everyone, what do?
Be creative I need to laugh so bad.
Also for the love of glob please no "I'm sorry for your loss" or "my condolences" I can't take any more.
My answer
Ohh, one of these situations, eh? Here's what I've found usually works for me:
Show your girlfriend a blindfold. Tell her you've got a "surprise" for her, waggle your eyebrows lasciviously, all that usual good stuff. Once blindfolded, lead her by the hand to a cramped interior space, Location One.
Next, invite your two parents to some kind of outdoorsy lookout place, top of a cliff, gorgeous view, blah de blah. Location Two. Tell them you're going to arrange a special treat for them, at exactly, say, 2pm that afternoon.
Third, abduct your Nana's corpse and cram it into a colossal cannon, designed to kapow its occupant phenomenal distances. Before you squidge her body into the gun's breach, though, tie a cape of incredible length around her ankles. It's got a massive motto written along it, I'll reveal its wording in due course, and the idea is that when fired, the tumbling airborne corpse will trail the cape and its lettering behind, in a vast parabolic arc.
Fourth, return to your girlfriend in her cramped Location One. Placate her whingings of "I've been cooped up in here for hours you bastard" etc., with promises that her worries will be at an end in mere seconds. Tie a second ginormous cape around her ankles, with a second motto, then whip off her blindfold. Just as she realises you've imprisoned her in a second identical colossal cannon, slam the breach door shut.
Fifth: if you've timed things right, your parents' 2pm deadline will be upon you in seconds. Fire the cannons!
I've got no idea which country you live in, but for the purposes of this Very Bad Advice, I've decided you live in Ireland. I'll get to why in a sec. The twin cannons fire! Their payloads soar skyward! If you'd aimed them correctly, your parents should be treated to a delightful vista of your Nana's incredibly dead and putrefying corpse colliding in mid-air with a sickening crunch with your girlfriend's incredibly alive and furious and corkscrewing body, mere metres from your parents' astonished faces.
If you've aimed and timed both guns just right, they'll both be showered with gangrening body parts, accompanying their former relatives' twin capes and twin mottos now jerked to a near-stop, and flapping airborne before them.
The first reads: FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT* REPEALED; DIVORCE ILLEGAL AGAIN HA HA HA
The second reads: MR/MRS SEDORE, THESE AIRBORNE DIVORCEES MAKE EXCELLENT TRANSUBSTANTIATION FODDER: WANT TO SHARE THEIR FATE?
Problems solved! Your Nana's body has been put to excellent use; your girlfriend died doing what you love; and your parents have been informed on no uncertain terms that living in Ireland means nonconsensual domestic tranquility thereafter. Isn't life grand?
* For those who don't know, until 1995, Irish law actually considered divorce illegal: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifteenth_Amendment_...
Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...
