I can see in the windows of an apartment in the building next door. It was empty for a while but three people just moved in. How should I welcome them? (hard mode: nothing sexual)
ETA: cannot enter building. only form of communication is through my own window
Easy bro. Here's a handy method of both making your new chums feel appropriately welcome, but also slash the rent for the entire neighbourhood.
First, commission three RealDoll duplicates of your three new neighbours. Yes, I know, nothing sexual! Hold your horses, Cassidy. You'll see why in a minute.
Once your apparently dang handsome clones arrive in the mail, position them in your own house's windows, in a variety of flamboyant poses, in full view of not only your neighbours, but of the entire street. Rig up their limbs with tripwires and springs, such that when triggered, they'll leap into the air with a flail of limbs. I'll get to why soon. Also douse them in extra-flammable petrol. Ditto.
Spend the evening with your RealDoll chums, enjoying movies together on your living room sofas. Something good and loud, ideally involving zombies. Brandish a huge shotgun as each movie-zombie perishes. Discharge it out the window and into the night sky, though for now, stay out of sight of the street. Bystanders will behold only the RealDoll clones. Place more shotguns in the hands of the clones. Discharge your own shotgun through your opened window several more times. Try to angle your weapon and the blast directions such that it appears to anyone peering up at your incredibly illuminated pad from the nocturnal street that it's the RealDoll clones firing guns like they're celebrating the death of Saddam Hussein.
Shotguns are deafening. Every person within two miles will start freaking the hell out. Keep firing! We want them absolutely losing their friggin' marbles. No doubt a vast and frothing townsfolk mob will accrete down on the street in minutes, staring and hollering up at your apartment and your heavily armed RealDoll clones. As far as they can tell, your apartment is haunted by exactly three insane and violent individuals. You're out of sight, remember?
Your actual real neighbours will no doubt be in mob attendance also. And they'll realise these shotgunned lunatics look exactly like them! They'll duly freak out.
Now's your time! Spring all those springloaded RealDoll limbs, and leap into your neighbours' lines-of-sight. Blammo your RealDoll clones to death with your own shotgun, roaring: "EVEN MORE OF YOU! DIE ANDROIDS DIE, YOUR SUPERIOR NUMBERS WILL NEVER TROUNCE ME!" They'll shred, they'll ignite, they'll be obliterated down to nothing.
Awesome. Now stagger, fake-limping and fake-bloodied, to your apartment window, and address your neighbourhood mob. "Fret not, citizens," you shout, "these android assassin clones aren't so tough! Last week alone, I destroyed hundreds! Then-- wait! Look! Another trio! DIE ANDROIDS DIE!"
Thrust your finger Dramatically at your actually-real-human new neighbours, lurking in the street crowd. Aim your shotgun at them.
They'll freak out. They'll lose their minds. Allow them this courtesy for several seconds, fake-Glaring down your shotgun barrel at them.
Then shout: "Wait! You're not like the others! You three aren't trying to kill me at all! You're showing ... actual emotions? What gives?"
Let them talk. Let them explain themselves. Let them screech with great vehemence that they're not murderous android assassin-clones at all, but flesh-and-blood human beings. With emotions! With passions! With aspirations! Don't kill us! We're alive! Our hearts beat! Our blood flows! Goddamnit, we're just like you!
Allow your suspicions to fade and wither. Announce to the neighbourhood crowds that, holy shit! These three must be the original humans the android assassins were based on! It happened in Terminator 3, didn't it?
Announce that you've Kindly Reconsidered slaying these three new neighbourhood chums. If any crowd members aren't won over by that, then simply announce that all this violence and gun usage will no doubt have lowered their land value and rent a hundred times over. And just watch the smiles flash around you.
You'll be the most popular gal in town, Cassidy. Problem solved 😘