Had my appendix removed yesterday, and now in recovery, in an extreme amount of pain even on opioids.
Now stuck on a ward with lots of noisy peoplecoughing, snoring, watching TV, and I am SO DAMN TIRED and need to sleep.
What do?
Oh come ON! Comedic bounty and swag already squidge from aloft like manna from heaven, but all you can do is bitch. You're not only already blazed off your tits with opium and rad telly like you're a Manchu Noble couch-potato, but surrounded by a dilapidated audience simply crying out for cheer and goodwill and a few cheeky laughs. With a few shrewd smarts you could be their medical-morale guardian angel.
So why not orchestrate a cunnilingus competition? Or perhaps a funky-wunky gender-neutral slut contest? Do I have to think of everything? I've never encountered a dilemma so dire or an audience so cranky that a stupendous slut contest extravaganza wouldn't work wonders. Before you know it you'll be ditching all that SO DAMN TIRED killjoy bullshit and actually loosening up and enjoying life. I mean come on, sistah: just picture, say, the Battle of Stalingrad with each side resplendent in a million latex bikinis and tartan-chrome strapons and incandescent with opium and tongue-twirling all the poontang. It'd be rad. Generalplan Ost won't know what hit it.
I'll be the first to concede, though, that you might find it a teensy bit tricky to first remove every appendix from every Battle-of-Stalingrad participant. Or to perform exquisite cunnilingus on three million brave lads with only your one tongue, even if it's massive. Or to flood a battlefield that gigantic with class-A opium. But you'll never know until you try, will you. So stop bitching and start par-tay-ing and all your snoozy dreams might just come true.