Published on: 14 Dec 10:52

Nicola asks

Landlord keeps choosing our flat to show potential new tenants round (it's one flat of multiple identical ones within same block). How do we get them to start showing one of the other flats instead of ours?

My answer

This may take some preparation. First, approach and seduce every single member of the landlord's extended family. This is key.

Second: inspection day arrives. The landlord opens your flat's front door to reveal you making sweet sweet love to the landlord's own spouse. The two of you squeal and clutch items of clothing to your persons and scamper past them outside and away.

Ruffled, the landlord attempts to continue showing the potential new tenant inside and down the hall to the kitchen - and stumbles upon you making sweet sweet love to their eldest offspring. You two squeal again, louder, scamper past them to outside safety, again.

Repeat for every single room in the house and every single family member. Every single room contains you and a landlord loved one, fucking each others' brains out. If your flat contains more rooms than the landlord has loved ones (disturbingly plausible for landlords incapable of love (most of 'em)), fall back to some of their better-looking appliances. Ever tried to fuck a fridge? I have. Produce thunderous humptacular frenzies of lust and scandal in every room: wherever the landlord and tenant venture, there you are, humping a loved one and/or whiteware. Bonus points for squirting hot jets of bodily fluids against throats.

Next time the landlord+tenant appear near your block, leave breadcrumb-trails of, oh I dunno, paperwork printouts of tenancy-tribunal cases where the judge ruled in the landlord's favour to the entrances of every flat but yours, and breadcrumb-trails of the contents of the landlord's own undies drawer to your flat.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...