Published on: 17 May 03:42

Susan asks

I missed an opportunity to have s3xx0rs with my fwb, and now I'm h0rny. What do?

My answer

Here's a scheme I find works wonders. I've got no idea what gender and/or sexual organ(s) your FWB is/has/owns, but to simplify this answer I'll assume he's male and/or penised:

First, launch at your man a vast torrid torrent of texts, messages, imagery, flirting, salaciousness, so hawt, so steamy, so volcanically passionate, that his erection sprouts not to the mere global average of 5.14 inches but instead pierces his undies, pants, spacesuits, building walls, vehicle hulls, and soars on a scorching airborne voyage over your home city. Naturally include a compass bearing in one of your texts to ensure he's facing in exactly your direction, wherever you are, then calibrate your texts' horniness precisely enough that his erection extends two metres in through your bedroom window ... and halts. It'll be like St. Louis, Missouri's Gateway Arch all over again. It'll be awesome.

Second, depending how far apart you are and how much blood volume his erection demands, you may need to prank-call his city's emergency services and inform them there's been a horrible accident and could they please bring five billion blood bags? Where, they ask? Just follow that glorious flesh obelisk over there down to its base like it's a rainbow-and-leprechaun.

Third, send your beloved a second torrent of message-pairings: alternately froth him up into yet more ecstatic squirming, then admonish him just a tad, then ecstasy, admonishment, back and forth, again and again, to adjust his horniness levels and erection length and thus a handy facsimile of thrusting. If he texts you asking why he can't just thrust conventionally, tell him in your experience it's impossible to maintain one's usual level of thrusting-skill and guzzle all that delish paramedic blood. It's like rubbing your tummy and patting your head, you just diffuse your concentrations too widely. So get drinking, bae.

Sorted, job done. Now simply recline on your bed and let the good times roll.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...