Let's give this guy some advice
How about:
"What the hell are you talking about? That photo is from that horrible photoshoot you and I did three years ago! Third-worst stag party of my life! I still can't believe it took nineteen freakin' hours of forehead-smooch-photos for you to okay a snap that met your oh-so-humble standards. Your direction was dreadful! I'm not surprised I'd fainted! We'd already gone through eleven photographers! And can you genuinely not recognise yourself? Seriously? When was the last time you got your contact lenses' prescription checked? Maybe do that tomorrow! Or next time maybe don't skimp on the blackface. Times may change, but standards must remain. Or is it because that woman there, past-you, is smiling? You know? Happiness? Remember that? Doesn't look like it. Maybe if you weren't always such a miserable harpy I wouldn't seek solace in the arms of actually pleasant and charming women ohhffuck I've said too much!"