Image source: https://twitter.com/xenowyvern/status/816336768047...
Been vomiting solid food for over a week and my doctors aren't helpful. What should I do?
Wait, it's solid food you're vomiting? Are you not even chewing before you swallow shit whole? Didn't your mum ever teach you to chew each mouthful 40 times? You're not a T-Rex, are you? Geez, it's no wonder your doctors can't help you. They're probably used to Homo-sapiens-based chew-refusal conditions. Like, my doctor-amigas routinely tell me that when their human patients shirk their chewing duties, usually it's because they're practicing their oral-sex-ing, by deepthroating cucumbers and bananas and suchlike.
So why not show your doctors some basic decency, you friggin' reptile? Mimic those few medical conditions these Puny Human doctors have in fact trained for. Go on. Give deepthroating a try. Start gobbling the kinds of penisey-practice-foods that Lady-T-Rexes enjoy slurping down, whenever they wish to bolster their skills at pleasuring their Bloke-T-Rexes. Palm trees, perhaps. The obelisk at St. Peter's Square in Vatican City, maybe. Give the Pope a raunchy show.
Your symptoms ought thus morph to match the varieties of horrible-fellatio side effects your doctors have actual experience with. They'll readily inform you to stop being such a strumpet. Then eat the doctors. Tell them that if they refrain from squirming and thrashing and remain long and stiff and dildo-y as they traverse your throat, you'll Reward them by not chewing their naughty bits and they may just perish painlessly. Awesome. Punish their unconscionable sex-negativity with execution-by-deepthroat-practice-T-Rex-dildo.
That said ... maybe I've misunderstood you! The mouth is not the only orifice through which one can insert sustenance. You're not Bryan Johnson again, are you, "Rosanna"? Well, well! This puts a different spin on things!
For those readers unaware of Bryan Johnson, google "the healthiest person in the world" and he'll be the first result. By all accounts he's one of those affable dingbats who imbibes a gazillion hideously expensive supplements and treatments in a maddened quest for eternal youth. Each their own I suppose, though such blokes' enthusiasms often veer towards the unorthodox.
Like enemas. You'd be amazed at the variety of substances various numpties have historically imbibed rectumly. Consider a certain Dr. John Harvey Kellogg. He's the inventor of cornflakes, founder of Kelloggs, and nemesis of wanking. He famously championed yoghurt enemas. Alcohol enemas also are a Thing. They're a really REALLY bad idea. If you get blackout drunk via conventional guzzling, then once conked-out, you can hardly continue guzzling your booze, can you. But when tippled anally? Ethanol just keeps on absorbing, and absorbing, and absorbing. People can die from that bullshit.
But there ain't no rainbows without rain, as Dolly Parton so sagely reminded us all. Bryan Johnson strikes me as just the kind of chap who'd happily attempt enema-ising his entire diet, and to Hades with the consequences you goddamn softcocks. You know you've got to chew your food first, right, "Rosanna"? You can't just shove half a roast ox up your ass without making at least a passing reference to Will It Blend?. Attempt this bullshit frequently enough and it's little wonder your grub backlog is making a bid for throaty freedom the long way round. I'm incredibly unsurprised that those few doctors who'd survived your execution-by-deepthroat-practice-T-Rex-dildo can't offer aid. It's utterly outside their professional experience, the impotent frauds. So you'd best punish this second doctor group accordingly. By medical ethanol-enema.