Published on: 12 Jul 18:49
Tali asks
So I've got wonderful friends who if they'd all been able to make lunch this weekend would have resulted in the following list of food requirements, next time they actually all can make it what do I cook for them?
None of the following
- Onions
- Garlic
- Milk based products (no lactose)
- Chilli
- Pulses - beans, lentils peas etc
- Eggs
- Meat (full veggie)
- Tree nuts
- Sesame seeds
- Citrus desserts
My answer
These foodie-snob mates of yours aren't cannibals, are they? Why not eat each other? Their culinary elitism and Lord-Snooty-vibes unite them like nothing else, so it'd probably be a doddle to persuade them that the perfect diet is their own neighbours.
Here's what you do. Bang out a carrot/stick routine. First, publicly broadcast the notion that each individual's surest route to glory and splendour and foodie-fame everlasting is to dine upon lesser foodie-snobs: they'll claim their rightful place atop one's social hierarchy; they'll claim and absorb lesser snobs' snobbishness; and they'll just simply enjoy a damn fine meal. Win/win/win, yeah? But don't just announce all this to their faces. Counterfeit and scatter glossy culinary magazines across your home, showing articles like "How The FINEST Food Critics REALLY Get A Head: The Discerning Cannibal's Guide To Career Perfection". That kind of thing. The subtle approach. Convince each foodie-snob guest that they're the last in their gang to discover this fab new foodie-fame trend, and they should, like, totally get with the program, Granddad.
Second, privately scare the bejeezus out of each person. Privately convince each person that they're all alone in a sea of hostile cannibals and they've only got minutes. Counterfeit further messages and scatter them about your home for your foodie-snob group to discover one by one. Write them apparently authored by a hypothetical second foodie-snob group from the week ago, with heart-warming messages like "Oh God Oh God They Can Smell My Hiding Place, Drums, Drums In The Deep, They Already Slaughtered The Others, If Anyone Reads This, Don't Make My Mistake, Just Eat Them Before They Eat You, You're In Terrible Terrible Danger, Drums In The Deep, Oh God They Are Coming" Conceal a hundred such notes amid the snacks and nibbles.
Third and finally, leave several massive commercial-sized bottles of mustard and ketchup and suchlike in the middle of your dining room. Once your guests have arrived, excuse yourself for just a minute, then shout back into the room "Darling, you haven't seen my copy of 'To Serve Man Medium Rare Yum Yum', have you?" That should set off the chain reaction wonderfully. Lock the doors and leave them to it, then return with a mop an hour later. Hell, if you like, consume the exhausted victor yourself. You'd already gone to all this trouble with magazines and suchlike: you've surely earned a decent bite to eat, you handsome devil. Lunch catering solved.
Original: https://www.facebook.com/groups/393804108644865/po...
